Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about friendships. And not just any friendships, but the struggle that comes with making friends as an adult. It’s something I hear from almost every single adult I talk to. The question is always the same:

“How the FUCK am I supposed to make adult friends?!”

(Side note: I actually created a program about this.)

But, I digress.

I was recently talking to two incredible humans I know and told them both how I thought they would get along so well. The funny part? They both agreed. I must be doing something right, right?

But then—oh boy, did that stir up some BIG feelings in me. It took me back. Way back. To when I was 11 years old and introduced my two best friends to each other, thinking it would be the perfect opportunity to bring them together. They had so much in common, and I was so excited. I planned this sleepover for weeks, the anticipation was unbearable.

The weekend arrived, and by the end of it, I was holding back tears. Big, fat, uncontrollable tears. And you know what? If I had just been empowered enough to speak up for myself, I could have saved myself the heartache. I could have redirected things or even told them I needed them to leave, but I didn’t. Instead, I sat there, quietly, feeling invisible as they bonded and I was completely left out.

I didn’t blame them, not really. Looking back, I get it. I was 11, and kids that age don’t really know how to navigate complex social dynamics. That feeling of being left out is incredibly common, and it’s almost always amplified by preteen awkwardness and angst. Still, that experience stuck with me for years.

That was just one of many times I introduced friends, only to feel like the third wheel, and sometimes, even worse—like I wasn’t wanted at all. The story in my head would go something like:

• “They’re having so much fun talking, I’d be rude to interrupt.”

• “If they’re having this much fun now, imagine how much better it would be if I just left.”

• “They probably don’t even like me anyway; I was just the backup friend.”

• “It was dumb to think they’d still want to be friends with me after this.”

I’ve seen my kids handle similar situations so gracefully that I know, deep down, I could’ve done the same back then if I had the right tools. I’ve taught my kids how to have a voice, how to ask for inclusion, how to set boundaries, and to communicate when they feel left out. They’ve been empowered to navigate those tricky situations with confidence. I never wanted them to feel the way I did as a kid.

But back then, I didn’t have those tools, and that hurt. And honestly, it still lingers in my chest when I think about it.

The Old Wounds Resurface

Tonight, I celebrated the two amazing humans I introduced to each other. They got along so well, and I was genuinely excited for them. But that familiar sadness came rushing back like a freight train.

I felt that old wound of being left out, of thinking maybe I wasn’t good enough to be part of the connection. My brain immediately tried to find a way to “bow out” of each friendship unnoticed. I know, logically, that this response is ridiculous, but damn, it took me by surprise. Even after all these years of healing, that trauma response still managed to sneak up on me.

But here’s the thing: Once I recognize what’s happening, I can quickly shut it down. I know how to process it and move forward. Sure, it’s an uncomfortable feeling, but it’s not a crisis anymore. I’ve grown.

I’m really good at holding space for connections across multiple friendships, thanks to my experiences with polyamory. Even when things feel uncertain, I know how to teach healthy boundaries and communication—skills that make those awkward moments easy to navigate. And when people in my life don’t have the same skills? I teach them, too. Because healthy friendships should never be a struggle.

The Healing Power of Healthy Friendships

Looking back, I’ve learned so much about healthy friendships and how to build them. And, the biggest lesson? We all deserve friendships that are intentional and supportive. The kind of relationships that make space for our feelings, our voices, and our needs.

I’m proud to say that I’m still friends with one of those humans from my childhood—the one who I had the sleepover with so long ago. She’s amazing, brilliant, and one of my greatest connections to this day. But I also know that every friendship is unique. It takes work, intention, and vulnerability to create a friendship that thrives.

So, what can you do when you feel like you’re getting left out, or that you’re stuck in old friendship patterns?

1. Set Boundaries: Healthy friendships require healthy boundaries. If you’re not being included, speak up. If someone isn’t meeting your needs, communicate that. It’s your right to ask for what you need in a relationship.

2. Communicate Honestly: Don’t be afraid to share your feelings. It’s okay to say, “Hey, I’m feeling left out.” It’s also okay to say, “I need more from this relationship.”

3. Invest in Yourself: The healthiest friendships start with a strong sense of self. When you know what you need and want, you can seek out friendships that align with those values.

4. Embrace Vulnerability: True connection happens when you’re willing to be vulnerable with others. It’s not always easy, but it’s necessary for deep, authentic friendships.

Conclusion: Growth, Healing, and Moving Forward

Friendships are a lifelong journey. They evolve, they grow, and sometimes they fall apart. But that’s okay. The goal is to keep learning, keep growing, and keep connecting with people who help you thrive.

I’ve come a long way from that little girl who felt left out at sleepovers. I’ve learned to set boundaries, to ask for what I need, and to embrace the discomfort of vulnerability. And as I continue to grow, I hope to share those lessons with others—because we all deserve to feel loved, included, and supported by the people around us.

If this resonates with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Let’s start a conversation about the challenges and joys of making meaningful adult friendships. And, if you’re interested in learning more about healthy friendships, be sure to check out my other resources on this topic. We’ve got this, together.

#HappyHealthyHumaning