Building Community While Living in Chaos

It’s never too late to start cultivating community.
And while maybe in the middle of a tyrannical fascist takeover isn’t the most ideal time,
it’s still possible. Scratch that, it’s essential. For many it can and will be a matter of life and death. 

So how do you build community when it doesn’t feel safe to trust anyone? How do you find the balance between self-preservation and the strength and protection community provides? How do you stand shoulder to shoulder with your neighbors who stayed indifferent to the warnings, or worse, giddily invited this to our doorstep?

First and foremost you have to trust yourself. Trust that you can do what you can to get through what’s coming whether it’s “just” really rough or it gets exactly as bad as we fear. Trust that you will do what you can, when you can, how you can until you can’t.

Start with who and what you know. What people and communities do you already have some amount of established connection with? What levels of safety and trust already exist? If you’re not sure what to say, how to plug in, or how to get more involved here is what I've been using: “We know what’s happening will require connection and community to get us through. I’m working on intentionally cultivating and strengthening community while I still can. Do you want in on that/how can I get more involved?” Every single response has been one of enthusiasm and relief. Every. Single. One.

Act fast. I know that life was already ridiculously overwhelming, and then January 20th happened and well… So the idea of exerting even more effort is probably the least appealing you can think of doing right now. Especially if you’re introverted, anxious, or socially avoidant. That’s totally valid, AND, this is not something you want to be trying to do when things are even worse than they already are. Your capacity will only become more limited as the tyranny rages on.

Right now is hard and scary on so many levels, but it’s like the lull before the storm. The people you’ll most likely be wary of are still showing their true colors; when the new reality begins to affect them they will work harder to blend in. Those who are actively working to build and strengthen their communities are more accepting of new people. And, the more people we have involved in creating the safety nets we need now, the stronger they will be and the longer they will support us. 

Layer and diversify your communities. It’s tempting to feel like all you need to do is just hunker down with your household and stay in touch with your closest humans but we’re going to need so much more than that. You want to tap into different communities for different reasons and resourcing; in terms of both contribution and receiving. I’ve laid them out into five basic categories to help you maximize your efforts, support your sanity, and stay fully supported. The categories are: Personal, proximity, practical, peace, purpose. (Alliteration FTW)

Personal:

This is your household, your family, chosen and origin, (as you see fit), your closest humans. These are the people you will go looking for and you want looking for you if suddenly communication gets cut off. These are the people you’re making sure you have multiple modes of communication with. These are the people you’re commiserating with, rallying with, and just in general already taking care of one another with. 

Proximity:

You need to establish yourself in hyper-local and local communities for sure. If/when isolation and restriction happens you may find that the only people you and your neighbors have to rely on are each other. (And some of them will be people who voted us into this mess.) 

Practical:

Plug in to communities that can use your skills, abilities, and knowledge, and who can grant you access to resources you need to feel more prepared. Personally I believe that we should ALL be getting involved in our local food resourcing efforts because food will be of the utmost importance to literally everyone in any scenario. The more hands we have in play now, the more success we will have in keeping people fed long term.

Peace:

Get involved with communities that bring you joy and peace, that keep you feeling balanced and replenished. Hobbies, activities, or just generally being with people who share your values and hopes will go a long way to keeping you grounded and regulated and resilient. 

Purpose:

Get connected with a form of community that gives you a sense of purpose. The best, most inclusive communities will have space for everyone to participate at whatever level they are capable of from just showing up (when you can) to tapping into your special knowledge and skills, and everything in between. When we have a purpose to focus on and work towards it is easier for us to tap into our resiliency and it also gives a front row seat to the reality that there ARE people doing things, there ARE efforts being made, which keeps us tied into hope. 

Accept that now is not the time to be bringing new people into your inner circle. Yes, absolutely, build safety and trust when you can and how you can. Communities thrive on the shared investment of trust, and the most effective ones require it. AND, there’s going to be an awful lot of wolves in sheep’s clothing. Some of them will have a top tier tailor and the charisma to match it. You can authentically participate in community building while still keeping your cards close to your chest by being intentional with both your words and your silence. It’s the interpersonal equivalent of hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.

And as true as that is for you, it’s equally as true for other people. In fact, the more marginalized and intersectional the people a community is made up of or serves, the further from the inner circles you should expect to stay. Safety is a precious and valuable commodity and those of us who have not already been investing and participating in these communities pose a very real and reasonable threat. Accept that this is just the reality of the situation and get involved anyway. There is enough work and mutual support to go around. 

Look to the leaders: If you’re joining an existing community, pay close attention to what the leaders say, how they say it, who they exclude, and their information sharing practices. If they say or share things that make you think, “Well I sure hope *that* doesn’t get into the wrong hands” then you need to assume that they might also one day say things that might endanger you. Since we know one of the major end goals is the oppression and elimination of certain demographics, look for the intersectionality and accessibility of that group. Who do they serve, protect, and defend? Who do they give voice to and who do they silence?

The safest communities will require you to earn their trust AND work to earn yours. They don’t know who is coming into their community just as much as you can’t be certain of what you’re walking into until there is opportunity to build mutual safety and trust. It’s not personal in either direction. Vetting and vouching is not only normal, but a sign of a well-run and carefully curated community. Particularly when it comes to more sensitive arenas such as planning and resourcing. (Which is another reason it’s important to start establishing yourself now.)

Now, on to the hardest part for many people… how on earth do you do something as crucial and vulnerable as participating in community with those who helped bring this on us all? The answer is not easy, and it’s also very nuanced, but ultimately self-preservation is the name of the game. 

Autonomy where you can, acceptance where you can’t.

If you can’t stand the thought of doing a single damn thing that might possibly benefit someone who cheered for this or sat idly by while the rest of us worked tirelessly while feeling powerless against this disaster we saw coming from miles away, you’re not alone. Those feelings are so incredibly valid. AND, holding on to them is ultimately only hurting you. It’s going to eat at your capacity for self-preservation and connection faster than the strongest community or most luxurious self-care could ever replenish it. They’ve already taken so much from you, don’t let them take this too. 

As much as you can, choose communities that are made up of people who did the work to try and help stop this. The people who have already seen, known, and believed what is to come. The people who share your values and who know that cooperative community is the way through. 

The unfortunate reality is that when it comes to proximity and practical communities there’s much less of a choice. If you end up isolated with just your neighbors to rely on and work with, chances are you’re going to be working with, supporting, or being supported by someone who thought this would be great (or at least “not that bad”).

Finding common ground and focusing on solutions. Whether you know the specifics of who is along political lines in any community you enmesh yourself with, you’re going to be rubbing elbows with people who have some pretty screwy views on basic human rights and decency. The resentment, anger, and frustration you might feel, while so completely valid, will eat at your capacity and obscure opportunities to work cooperatively to keep your community safe, resourced, and connected. 

If they are showing up to help in any capacity then you know you’ve got at least that much common ground to work with. A tarp laid on your roof after a storm by a republican voter will offer exactly as much damage protection as it would if it was laid by a democratic voter. A non-voter can help with food distribution just as well as a poll worker when resources get sparse. It’s true, some people might start playing nice just for survival’s sake, but I suspect many more will have a true change of heart in the coming weeks. 

At some point we just have to accept that other people made the choices they made for the reasons they made them and if they’re showing up in service of community, they’re showing up. We’re gonna be all hands on deck. It doesn’t mean we have to get buddy-buddy with them, praise them for participating in cleaning up a mess they helped make, or even trust that their efforts are genuine. Acceptance is not glossing over the facts or letting bygones be bygones. It is simply acknowledging the reality of a situation for what it is and continuing to make our own next best choices. There are times and ways to express and feel those feelings without making choices against your own and your community's self-interest and preservation. Acceptance is the path of least resistance, however bitter it may taste. 

Empathy and compassion strengthens numbers. One very important note worth mentioning is that empathy and compassion can, and should, be done with discernment. And through the lens of your autonomy. How much mental, emotional, and physical labor are you actually willing to invest in this moment? How far can you happily, or at least neutrally, extend to someone knowing the harm they’ve caused? Do you need to sit this one out and let someone else who has more capacity for it take this one?

There’s a big difference between dropping off a day or two’s worth of food on their porch because you know they have nothing left and inviting them into your home for a grand meal on gilded plates. You can let someone work alongside the rest of the community without giving them access to people, resources, or information they can do damage to. We can allow people to experience the consequences of their choices without adding our own cruelty or “I told you so” on top of it. Which very well may be more kindness that you feel they deserve, but that choice is more about your character and integrity, not theirs.

Deeper empathy and compassion. Not everyone can or will be capable of a deeper level of compassion and empathy but I do think it will be vital to have the people who can in our communities and let them do the work to collect those who are willing to be collected, even if it’s a choice you wouldn’t make for yourself. Because here’s the thing, it could have been any one of us on the wrong side of history. We were ALL raised by the same types of conditioning, the same harmful rhetoric, by the same traumatized humans who, no matter what their best was, still didn’t have enough of the information, tools, and skills necessary to raise us to avoid this.

Nearly every human I’ve ever worked with or talked to has been able to identify pivotal moments or pieces of information that woke them up to the fact that nearly everything we thought we knew was a lie. And no one person has any control over when that moment will be for them than any other person does. A great many people are about to have that moment but they can only run with it and learn to do better if there are people around them willing to meet them with acceptance and kind accountability.

Do the best you can with what you’ve got to get what you need. In ordinary times this would likely be judged as being incredibly selfish. In ordinary times I would put a lot more nuance and refined skill building behind it. But these are not ordinary times and time is of the essence. The reality is that this is going to be the philosophy most everyone is living by, we may as well say it out loud. (And doing so will actually help build trust and make it easier to get needs met.) Everything is going to come down to survival. Especially because we can’t continue to help others if we can’t survive ourselves. The communities we build will cease to support or exist if we are not all individually taking care of ourselves. The most vulnerable among us will need the unity and shelter of community the most.

Proceed with caution, act with compassion. Most of us are already scared. It won’t be long before the rest of us are too. If you can’t survive for yourself today, survive for others. If you can’t survive for others today, survive for yourself. Look for the helpers, be a helper.