Hierarchy in Polyamory: Why I Don’t Do It and What You Need to Know
Polyamory is often touted as the ultimate expression of love and autonomy, but navigating it successfully requires intentionality, communication, and a willingness to unlearn harmful societal norms. One of the most polarizing topics in polyamory is hierarchy—and it’s something I’ve firmly chosen not to practice.
Here’s why:
I value autonomy above all else in my relationships. I seek partners who are not only confident and empowered but also deeply committed to protecting their own autonomy. For me, hierarchy creates unnecessary power dynamics that conflict with these values.
But let me be clear: I’m not here to tell anyone they can’t practice hierarchy. If it works for you, your partner(s), and everyone involved has full disclosure and consent, then more power to you. My role isn’t to dictate how others practice polyamory, but to encourage self-awareness and honest communication. And here’s the thing—if you’re considering polyamory, dedicating at least six months to intentional personal growth as individuals and as a couple is essential. Trust me, it makes everything smoother (and yes, I can help with this).
The Reality of Hierarchy
Many people assume hierarchy only comes into play in worst-case scenarios or dramatic ultimatums. But the truth is, its influence extends into the day-to-day operations of your relationships.
If you don’t define what hierarchy looks like in practice, newer partners can’t make fully informed decisions about their involvement. And when expectations aren’t clear? Misunderstandings, resentment, and hurt feelings are almost inevitable.
Sneakyarchy: When Hierarchy Creeps In
Even those who claim to practice non-hierarchy can fall into the trap of what’s often called “sneakyarchy.” It’s not always malicious or intentional—it’s the result of unclear expectations and assumptions.
That’s why, whether someone says they practice hierarchy or not, I ask a lot of questions. These questions help uncover hidden dynamics and clarify what “non-hierarchy” or “hierarchy” actually means in their relationships.
Questions to Ask About Hierarchy
Here are some of the questions I use to explore these dynamics. Whether you’re dating or reevaluating your current relationships, these can provide clarity:
What does “always prioritizing your partner” mean to you?
If your current partner asks you to break up with a newer partner, what happens?
Are you expected to cancel plans to prevent your current partner from feeling uncomfortable or to keep the peace?
Do you need permission to engage in physical activities with a newer partner?
If your current partner disapproves, will the activity stop?
Do your current partner’s wants take precedence over a newer partner’s needs?
Can your current partner dictate when your relationship opens or closes?
Do you sacrifice your own wants and needs to maintain harmony with your current partner?
Are dates, trips, or gifts subject to approval by your current partner?
Does your current partner control how much money you spend on newer partners?
Do you expect the same control over your current partner’s newer relationships?
Will newer partners have control over future relationships you may pursue?
What These Questions Reveal
The answers to these questions reveal patterns and highlight whether someone has truly considered what hierarchy or non-hierarchy means in practice. Often, it becomes clear that many people haven’t paused to define these terms for themselves, let alone for their partners.
The Case for Intentional Polyamory
Whether you practice hierarchy, non-hierarchy, or something in between, the key to thriving in polyamory is intentionality. Define your values, communicate openly, and take the time to understand how your choices impact everyone involved.
Intentional personal growth, both individually and as a couple, is foundational. It allows you to:
Identify and articulate your needs and boundaries.
Build relationships based on equity, respect, and trust.
Avoid common pitfalls, like miscommunication or sneakyarchy.
