In-Home Separations: A Path to Healing, Autonomy, and Growth
When relationships hit a rough patch, it can feel impossible to know what comes next. For my husband and me, the way forward was an in-home separation—a structured approach to living separately under the same roof while working on ourselves and reevaluating our connection.
This process wasn’t easy, but it was a transformative experience that laid the groundwork for a healthier relationship, whether we stayed together or not. Here’s what we did, what worked, what didn’t, and how I’d approach it differently now through the lens of Healthy Humaning.
A Note for Polyamorous Humans
At the time of our separation, we were already practicing polyamory. Unlike many couples who “close” their relationships to work on their primary partnership, we believe that’s both unethical and unfair to existing partners. The effort we put into repairing our relationship didn’t need to come from the time or energy we had for others.
If we didn’t need to end friendships or family relationships to repair us, we certainly didn’t need to end romantic ones. This belief allowed us to work on our marriage while maintaining our other relationships with honesty and integrity.
The Framework: Separate but Together
We approached our in-home separation as though we were roommates, dividing household responsibilities and childcare duties. Here's how we structured it:
Separate bedrooms and personal spaces: Each of us had a room that was entirely our own, which was a game-changer for my mental health.
Clear childcare schedules: We alternated care responsibilities, treating parenting like a shared job with clear “on” and “off” hours.
Roommate-like household responsibilities: We each managed our own laundry, cleaned up after ourselves, and took care of our respective spaces.
This framework created the emotional and physical boundaries we needed to begin healing and rebuilding trust.
The Scheduling System That Saved Us
One of the most valuable tools we implemented was a simple, clear scheduling system:
First on the calendar, first priority: Whoever put their plans on the calendar first got precedence.
Conflict resolution: If there was a scheduling conflict, the person who added their plans last was responsible for arranging childcare or adjusting their schedule.
Accountability: This system eliminated the stress of forgotten plans and avoided the resentment that often comes from miscommunication.
We still use a version of this system today, and it’s one of the best changes we’ve made for our household.
The Learning Curve: Struggles with Boundaries
The learning curve for in-home separations is steep. While we both committed to the process, I struggled to stick to my word when it came to boundaries.
For example:
Cleaning up: I often found myself cleaning up messes he left behind, even after setting the expectation that I wouldn’t. While this delayed the full evolution of his choices, it was also a lesson for me in prioritizing my needs over the desire to “fix” things for him.
Shared spaces: Early on, he sometimes entered my personal space without permission. I had to establish clear boundaries, and over time, we developed a household rule: knock, and unless there’s a clear invitation, don’t come in.
Looking back, I see how sticking more firmly to my boundaries would have accelerated our growth and created a stronger foundation of mutual respect.
Financial Autonomy: What We Did (and Didn’t) Do
At the time, I was a stay-at-home mom with no income of my own. We shared a joint account, and financial autonomy wasn’t an option.
In hindsight, separating our finances would have been ideal. Everyone deserves the safety and security of financial independence—even in the healthiest relationships. Today, our multi-family household emphasizes financial autonomy, ensuring no one feels financially trapped.
Communication Reset: Breaking the Cycle
Our connection at the time was anything but amicable. To prevent further harm, we agreed to limit our conversations for the first two weeks to strictly household or childcare matters.
We used a “business professional” communication style, treating every interaction as though it might be read in open court. This kept our emotions in check and helped us break the cycle of escalation and negativity.
After the initial two weeks, we gradually reintroduced time together with cooperative activities like board games. Working as a team in low-stakes situations helped rebuild trust and foster positive interactions.
Parenting: From Default to Shared Responsibility
Parenting was one of the biggest areas of growth during our separation. Here’s how we shifted the dynamic:
Breaking the “default parent” habit: I stopped being the automatic go-to for every question or need. Instead, we encouraged the kids to approach the parent best suited for the task or the one on duty.
Equitable involvement: My husband became more involved in appointments, shopping, and other “invisible” labor. While it wasn’t perfect, the shift alleviated much of my burnout and resentment.
Modeling boundaries: We taught our kids that both parents deserve time and space to recharge, setting an example of mutual respect.
Food: A New Approach
Food was another significant area of tension. My husband loves cooking but often left the kitchen in chaos. I hate cooking, and the constant mess only added to my frustration.
During our separation, we adopted a “feed yourself” system: each person was responsible for their meals and any mess they created. While this wasn’t a perfect solution, it significantly reduced conflict.
Healthy Humaning in Action
Looking back, I see how the Healthy Humaning framework played a critical role in our process. Here’s how the BRACE Method helped us navigate our separation:
Boundaries: Defined and respected personal and shared spaces.
Responsibility: Took ownership of our actions and choices.
Autonomy: Prioritized individual needs while maintaining a functional household.
Communication: Used intentional, respectful communication to break negative cycles.
Emotional Intelligence: Approached the process with empathy, patience, and self-awareness.
Moving Forward
The goal of our in-home separation was simple: to create a better future, whether together or apart. By focusing on boundaries, communication, and mutual respect, we built a foundation for growth and healing.
Whether you’re considering an in-home separation or simply want to improve your relationships, The BRACE Method offers a practical framework for change:
Break down the struggles to identify key components.
Reconcile past behaviors with your vision for the future.
Apply tools and skills to create meaningful change.
Clarify your priorities, wants, and needs.
Engage in conversations and actions that build the life you want.
Remember, progress takes time. Be patient with yourself, and trust that every step forward is a step toward a healthier, more fulfilling life.
