The Paradox of Cultivating Safety and Trust
Building trust and safety in relationships is essential—but it requires something counterintuitive. To truly cultivate safety and trust, we have to leave space for the other person to not trust us.
It sounds strange, doesn’t it? If we want someone to feel safe with us, shouldn’t we make sure they do feel safe all the time? You’d think so, but the truth is, we don’t get to control someone else’s feelings. That would be too easy.
But here’s the thing: The only way safety and trust can grow is by acknowledging the possibility that they may not be there yet.
Why Do I Write This?
Let's take a moment to look at why I'm even writing this blog post. Why do I create content? Why do I speak up and share my ideas with you, the reader? Because I have a movement and message I know can change the world for the better. Specifically, I believe Healthy Humaning can help you live a better, more authentic life.
But here’s where trust comes in: You're not just going to take my word for it. You shouldn’t. And honestly, you can’t expect to read one blog, hear one podcast episode, or look at one piece of content and automatically trust me or the ideas I’m presenting. Trust doesn’t work that way.
Trust is earned. And it’s a process that needs space for questioning, for doubt, for skepticism—even for thinking the whole thing is a bunch of crap. And that’s okay.
Leaving Space for Skepticism and Doubt
It might sound like I’m advocating for some sort of "love me or leave me" ultimatum, but I’m not. That’s not what this is about.
What I’m saying is that safety and trust can only grow when there’s room for discomfort. This doesn’t mean that you should feel uncomfortable in every conversation or that trust is something that can be manipulated. But it does mean we have to leave space for others to express doubts, to test the waters, and to decide for themselves if this is something worth investing in.
If I walked into this conversation and said, “Trust me right now. You should feel safe. If you don’t, you’re doing it wrong,” how does that sound? Pretty rigid, right? And it leaves no room for the other person’s experience or perspective.
If we don’t leave space for others to feel hesitant, we aren’t giving them the ability to choose how they want to engage with us. That’s not trust. That’s control.
A Real-Life Example: The Road Trip Analogy
Let’s make this a little clearer with an example.
Imagine we’re planning a road trip together. Before we go, I tell you, “It’s really important to me that you feel safe in the car. If at any point I do something that makes you feel uncomfortable, please speak up.”
Now, let’s say while we’re driving, I tell a story about how I once went 100 miles an hour down the highway just for fun. It’s a fun, carefree story, but as I’m telling it, I notice that you look tense. Maybe you’re even clenching your seatbelt.
Your gut reaction might be, “Wait a second. Is she going to do that with me in the car? Does she drive like that all the time?”
You might try to tell yourself that you’re overthinking it. You don’t want to seem dramatic. But your body is telling you something else. You’re feeling unsafe.
Now, remember, I explicitly told you that your safety matters to me. I asked you to speak up if you felt unsafe, and yet, I’ve just brushed over your concerns. My response to your unease might be something like, “That’s ridiculous. Don’t worry, I’m a safe driver.” Or worse, I might ignore it altogether.
In that moment, I’ve undermined your ability to feel unsafe with me. By not allowing space for your discomfort, I’ve made you feel invalidated—and that is the opposite of what building trust and safety is about.
How Can You Respond?
You’ve got options in this situation:
Ignore your feelings and keep quiet, hoping for the best. But even if you do this, you’ll likely spend the rest of the trip feeling uneasy, second-guessing every decision I make.
Opt out of the trip entirely. If I dismiss your concerns and make you feel unheard, it’s understandable that you’d choose to remove yourself from the situation entirely.
Stay and find a way to make sure you feel safe—maybe you offer to drive or change the route to avoid highways, but now you're taking on the burden of managing your own comfort while I’m still unconcerned about how my behavior is affecting you.
Have a direct conversation with me—call me out for dismissing your feelings and ask for an explanation. This will cost more emotional labor, but it gives you the opportunity to gather new information about me. From there, you can make a fully informed decision about whether or not you want to continue.
The Power of Being Transparent and Vulnerable
What’s powerful about this example is the ability to hold space for discomfort and vulnerability. If we want to build trust, we have to be willing to be vulnerable—not just in the sense of sharing intimate feelings, but also in acknowledging the discomfort and distrust others may feel.
When we do this, we provide an environment for trust to organically grow. By saying, “I know you might feel uncomfortable or unsure. It’s okay if you do. Let’s talk about it,” we give people the freedom to express their feelings, without fearing that their vulnerability will be used against them.
The Key Takeaways:
Trust isn’t something we can demand. It’s something we build, step by step, over time.
We have to leave space for others to feel uncomfortable, question our intentions, and voice their concerns.
Trust grows when both parties are able to acknowledge their discomfort, have honest conversations, and make informed decisions about how to move forward.
Remember: You can’t control how someone feels, but you can control how you show up for them. Give others the space to decide whether or not they trust you—and make it safe for them to express that.
Ready to Cultivate Trust?
If you’re interested in learning how to build healthier, more authentic connections, I can help you. Book a 15-minute consultation today to get started on your journey to emotional empowerment, deeper relationships, and a more fulfilling life.
